I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
