the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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