I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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