he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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