How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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