I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
