My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
