woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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