i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
