so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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