i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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