Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
