Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Let's get the cat blown out
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
