Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
