just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
