Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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