i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
the raccoons are back...
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