I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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