I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
sarcasm needs its own font
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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