well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
