I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
