I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
