Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
