Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
