Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
