i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
