My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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