He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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