I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
