I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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