Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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