I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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