So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
