Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
This baby is an asshole
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
