I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
