Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
