you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
