i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
