if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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