Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Your penis caused this!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
