My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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