we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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