I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
