if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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