he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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