I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
