Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
