I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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