Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
