I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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